It has been an exceptionally awful week for me. My dog Belle lost her battle with cancer and Cushings Disease. We had to have her euthanized on Saturday. It had been a long time coming, but somehow even knowing what we were building up to didn’t made it any easier.
Belle was a staffy that had been with my family for nearly eight years. We don’t know her exact age because she was a rescued dog. My parents had found her in the Australian desert, walking down the middle of a highway, hundreds of kilometres from the nearest town. She had no microchip and while the police checked (no vets to ask in the remote outback!) they didn’t have any record of anyone looking for a dog in the next town. She had been dumped, or fallen off the back of someone’s truck.
She quickly adopted my father as a favourite and was never quite the same after he died. She was inseparable from my cattle dog, but was very close to all of the other animals.
Belle, Moono and myself at 'The Devil's Marbles' in the Northern Territory, Australia.
One of the symptoms of Cushings Disease is an insatiable appetite. I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to train all nine of my parrots to give her food. I was constantly telling her off for getting the birds to throw their vegetables at her. They’d wait until my back was turned and then be sneakily passing food through their cage bars to her.
She came running when they called her and answered every alarm call that they made. They were hers and she guarded them from any intruding cats or wild birds. She’d find a sunny spot and sleep in the middle of the aviaries.
Belle guarding the birds when they were out in the sun.
The last night with her was heartbreaking. She used to sleep in a dog bed on the floor of my bedroom. She woke me up in the early hours of the morning groaning in pain. My cat and cattle dog were desperately trying to wake me, in order to get me to help her. I grabbed her next dose of painkillers and gave it to her hours earlier than planned. 30 minutes later she was still lying with her head in my lap groaning, so I reached for the painkillers again.
Happier times. Moono and Belle unimpressed with their footwear. (The area had particularly dangerous thorns and the ground was scorching hot!)
I did the maths in my head and (grateful that vet science was my field of study) upped her dosage to the absolute maximum safe dose. It worked. In another 15 minutes she was asleep and her breathing had normalised. My cat and dog were looking at me and Fid (my Blue and Gold macaw) was making baby noises. He’d heard the commotion and was regurgitating at me as if feeding me would stop me crying. I found myself cleaning up a lot of bright green bird vomit in the morning. Seems someone ate too much broccoli the day before!
Fid happily ignoring Belle's personal space, while she snored on.
Nothing was going to stop me crying though. I knew that it was Belle’s last night because I knew that when I spoke to her vet in the morning and explained what dose I’d had to administer, the vet would tell me that there was nowhere else for me to go with her medication. I could be pretty sure that the inoperable tumour in her bladder was now obstructing. There were also signs of a stomach ulcer. All that was left was uncontrollable pain. There was no real choice.
I can’t stop replaying her last moments in my head. She was in my arms when the vet gave her the injection. Belle turned her head to look me right in the eyes in those last few seconds. I could see my own tear-stained face reflected back at me. She licked a tear off my cheek and then a second later was gone.
Otto (my musk lorikeet) loved to preen Belle's head. He absolutely adored her.
The house seems so empty without her. It’s a cliche, but I feel like a part of me is missing. My eclectus Pepi, won’t stop calling her. He has been whistling and screaming her name for days now. My elderly galah keeps yelling his loudest alarm call, which is completely freaking out my cattle dog Moono, (who in turn won’t leave my side). Moono won’t even let me go to the bathroom unescorted.
Meanwhile, I found my cat trying to cross the main road, when I was going to the local shops. He never goes far from the house and this was quite a walk. I think he was looking for Belle. It was a close thing – he was nearly hit by a car. I grabbed him and drove him home. I’ve locked him in and he’s taken refuge in Belle’s bed, sleeping snuggled up to her coat. He only comes out when he decides to switch to sleeping in Belle’s dog crate. The new cat meanwhile, keeps pacing the corridors meowing. Even he seems to be aware of Belle’s absence.
My cat Lola, sleeping in Belle's crate.
The weirdest time is when I try to feed the dogs. I keep accidentally getting out too many bowls. I hadn’t realised I did it, but apparently I always said each dog’s name as I put their bowl down (so they could identify which one was theirs). I did it in the same order each night. Belle was always first, so now I skip her name. My Eclectus has obviously learned this routine and has picked up on the difference. He has now started saying her name over and over in a really slow and deliberate way when he sees me start to feed the dogs. It’s as if he’s trying to correct my mistake. The exaggerated way that he says her name conveys quite clearly that he thinks I’m stupid and that I’m unable to realise that I’m doing the routine wrong.
My mother, Cocky Boy the galah, my cat Lola and Belle.
I hadn’t realised just how much of an impact her loss was going to have on the entire household. My dog has filled my bed with squeaky toys (what he does when I’m sick), which seems to be his way of cheering me up. I can’t even roll over in bed without squeaking! The lorikeets have all stepped up their squeaky noises as a result.
Belle, refusing to be left out of the photo I was trying to take with Fid.
They’re all looking for her. I wish the birds would stop calling her. I can literally still hear her bark, because they’re all doing it on repeat. I just don’t know how to get them to understand that she is not coming back and I don’t really know how to help them through it. Judging from the number of dog food bowls that I keep getting out; it’s probably going to be a while before I even fully appreciate that she’s gone myself.
Days later, Moono continues to wait patiently at the door for Belle to return. He looks up hopefully at every sound.
I can’t believe I’m saying this but I even miss her snoring. Nothing feels right and I’m not sure how long it’s going to take before it does again. The only thing that helps is knowing she’s not in pain anymore. I’m going to miss her.
Mel Vincent works as an animal rehabilitator out of Australia.
62 comments
As the sharpness of the pain subsides you will find her. In a quiet moment check deep in your heart. Belle will be there, always. They each come to us for a reason, but they don’t really leave.
A big hug to you and your family, Mel! Your story has us all weeping in empathy. I’ve said good-bye to many beloved furred and feathered friends, but remember each and every one of them because each and every one was special. My husband doesn’t get it when I mope around after a loss, and even my kids think I’m a bit nuts. Not everyone understands, but we do here. The animals put in a period of mourning too so I find it helps them and me to just pay them extra attention and in time the wounds heal. Belle sure had a wonderful life with you and in the end you did her another great kindness. She’s probably sitting at your Dad’s feet now, and they’re doing whatever they love best.
We just lost our 19-year old Yellow Nape, Waldo, to liver cancer last week. It’s like there’s a hole in my heart that won’t close. My sympathies to you and your family.
Mel, my most sincere condolences to you on the loss of your beloved Belle. Just 3 weeks ago, my husband and I had to allow our beloved golden retriever mix (she too was a rescue) to cross the rainbow bridge. She’d been diagnosed with lymphoma 2 mo before, and her lymph nodes had stopped responding to medication, and had grown overnight to the point that her airway was being compromised. Amber, our beloved pet, was 13 yrs & 3 weeks old. In our house, our parrots never call the deceased pet’s name once the pet leaves the house; this has happened time and time again…and yes, our parrots love to feed our dogs, calling each dog by name to come and get treats. My very warmest wishes to you and your family, as you begin to cope with the loss of your beloved Belle. My God be with you.
So sorry to read of your sad loss Mel. My niece and her family recently had to put a beloved dog to sleep so I know how much pain you must be feeling right now. We don’t realise how much our pets become part of our family until we see their capacity to miss people or animals who are no longer with us. It’s sweet the way they try to comfort you and I feel sure that helps some. Take care of yourself, grieving is an exhausting process.
I, too, have the tears flowing as I read your story of your beloved Belle’s passing. So sorry for your loss, and so mindful of the similar losses of parts of my “family” over the years. Time does heal the wounds, and the fond memories will hurt less when you remember them. So wonderful that you have them for your future….and had Belle present in your past. Sharing our lives with the furry and feathered creatures is such a gift, and we are changed for the better with having loved and experienced them. A heart as big and loving as yours will go on to find the next fur or feather…I know mine has.
Mel – Telling you I’m sorry for your loss seems so inadequate. There just aren’t enough words to convey the sadness that hits when losing a family member and the emptiness that’s left behind. No matter how we try to prepare ourselves for what’s coming, we can’t. My cat is 22 so I know she won’t be with me much longer, but losing her is going to be like losing a child. Animals are a gift from God. He made them masters of unconditional love and Belle shared that love with you and the rest of her pack. In time, Belle’s absence will get easier but you will always have her & her love in your heart. She’ll be watching over you from above…Thank you for sharing your story. You and yours will be in my prayers.
I know how you must feel, I lost my cockatiel peewee whom I had for 17yrs, he was the best. I would say kiss kiss and he would peck my cheeks, sit on my shoulder. He flew away one time and remarkable I got him back. I cooked for him special treats and he knew he had a special place in heart. He bonded with me until about his 13th year. I purchased a 3 month old quaker Wazu I found out she’s a female because she always had her tongue in the cockatiel beak (kissing) While they played together she would be very aggressive and like to bite, she even like calling out the cockatiel’s name. She later bit the cockatiel so I stop letting them both out the cage at the same time. They had their own cage. I would let the quaker out put her back into the cage then let out the cockatiel. They both had a chance to be out of the cage during the day. Well the quaker found some way to bite the cockatiel a second time even while he was in his cage. I dont think that the quaker bit the cockatiel out of anger because at times I saw them tongue kissing, the quaker would stretch her tongue through the cage bars. She even demand a head scratch from the cockatiel. Well during the trauma to those bites peewee never sustained from them and later passed away I missed him terribly and the quaker continues to call out peewee’s name, and imitate his sounds, I still feel peewee is around but I know he’s gone. Heartbreaking
Carol Harrison Thinking of you and just to let you know, I lost my Charlie(old cockatiel) over a year ago, I still miss him, and yet he made little noise,, little mess, the two budgies I had were very quiet for about 2 weeks, and were looking towards his cage, I think they missed him in their own way, animals do have feelings especially when they live with others – human or animal. We do not choose who we fall in love with – do we. Carol from the UK
I am so sorry for your lost. When we had our Taylor, sheltie/australian shepherd mix, he was always by my side, especially when I mourned when my mom passed. And when I mourned him, I again felt him by my side. And when we finally felt we were ready for another dog, we went to the human society and found a 4 month old puppy we named Max. I know Taylor was still there and taught Max to lean against me for a hug, just the way he used to. To this day, Max will still come up to me and lean. He won’t go away until he gets his hugs. Belle is still with you. Just close your eyes and you will feel him.
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand completely how you and the others are feeling. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hold onto the wonderful memories you have.
So sorry to hear about Belle’s passing. I am crying reading your lovely post about Belle. We are so lucky to have such wonderful pets to enjoy while they are with us!! I know when my special dog was killed on the road as the gate was left open and we were looking for her and we meet someone with puppies. They told us to come back and see the puppies. I finally did after my Grand father was feeling so bad as he had not closed the gate completely. Just to make him feel better I went to see the puppies. but as you know no one can resist a puppy. It was hard but puppies help a lot to cope as they need attention. It helps the whole family recover. hugs!
I was told that making the hard decision you had to make, is one of the last, most loving things we can do for our beloved pets… yet that doesn’t make it easy. I have 2 dogs that are 15 (sisters), and failing. I’m already dreading what is to come. We’ve had them since puppies. I’m at work, tears in my eyes…. for you and for me. God bless you.
I have heard to let pets morn anothers death by allowing them see and smell the pet after they have passed. For some reason, smelling the loss lets them understand what happened. I’m sure it is too late for that, but if you have an unwashed blanket you took her in, the collar she was wearing or something she had on when you gave her peace, if you let her siblings smell it, it may help the rest of the pack/flock understand she is not lost, but she has passed. I have lost many dogs, and totally understand what you are going though. I had sisters and the survivor was never the same after she lost her best friend. She was sad and looked for her sister to her last day, which was due to severe hip dysplasia. You need to know; you did the right thing, and loved her enough to ease her suffering putting her welfare and comfort above your own desire to have her with you. You are a wonderful Mom and don’t ever forget that. It takes more strength to do the right thing for your best friend than it does to hold on to them selfishly and prolong their misery. You did what needed to be done, you had no choice.
Dear Mel, Bless you and your pets, Your sorrow is felt by anyone who reads your thoughts, We have dogs and a parrot and can relate completely with you. Please remember that your dog knew you loved her. God bless you and all of your pets
Mel, my heart goes out to you. Your story brought tears to my eyes and heart. Our little friends are just more than pets and anyone who says otherwise has never shared their hearts and lives with a non human. I am facing the same thing you went through and each day I wake up and my dog Bucky is still with me, I consider a gift. Bucky is a 17 year old Maltese that I got when he was 10 weeks old. He has been my best friend and companion for all these years and I have given him the best life possible. He was once a hyper young thing that would play fetch til my arm wanted to fall off, he protected me during a abusive relationship and was the best fishing buddy anyone could want. Now he is just skin and bones but our vet said that is to be expected but that he is in no pain. He is deaf as a post and has cataracts to the point that he bumps into furniture. He takes medication twice a day for congestive heart disease, he eats and drinks real good but he is just a shadow of the dog he used to be. Every morning now when I get out of bed I go to his bed to check on him, I then spend some time holding him and petting him. I know that someday soon I will no longer have this morning ritual and I cry a little every morning while holding him. Your were a good mom to Belle and you will be forever changed by her presence. I pray that the pain in your heart subsides and that soon your memories of her bring you smiles instead of tears.
So sorry for your loss I’ve had a similar story in the last yr my redesign ridgback died and I have an african grey to this day whines like she did and sometimes still says her name :( its still very hard when the bird keeps reminding me good luck :(
Mel, I am so sorry for your loss, I too lost my Pomeranian at 16 years of age to liver failure ( I had him since he was 2 mo. old) That was 6 years ago and I still choke up when I talk about him. Putting him down was the hardest thing I think I have ever done. Holding him those last few moments were heartbreaking. I can feel your pain. I still have not gotten another dog. just me and my CAG and TOO. You are in my prayers. God bless you and all of your “Flock” 2 and four legged.
I just wanted to say a big THANKYOU to all of those who have sent me condolences or commented on this post. There have been so many of you that it has been overwhelming. It really means a lot. Most of you made me cry, but it’s good type of crying! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all of you and all of your stories, poems and thoughts. XO
Our family is so sorry for your loss. We also have numerous pets and when we lose one, we lose one of our family members and everyone suffers. The watch out for each other, they know each other , they comfort each other but most of all they love each other. I can only hope the memories keep coming with time and that you comfort EVERYONE at this time of your loss. You are in our thoughts and prayer.
Belle’s life reminds me of my best friend Jack, an Australian Shepherd/Border Collie cross who loved all the 2 and 4 legged inhabitants of our farm. At his the age of 12, I held him in my arms as the vet euthanized him because of the inoperable tumor that was killing him. I say hello to him every day as I pass his grave partly because he saved my oldest child’s life when he was a toddler and partly because we loved each other. Time will reduce the pain, but some memories never go away.
Perhaps your other pets know she is still there…her presence will be there always, don’t lose that connection. Thank you for sharing this, Craig (daddy of 6 yr old African grey, Gigi )
(Crying as I write this I feel your pain. So very sorry you and your other pets losing Belle. She was a very blessed dog to have shared her life being loved by all of you. My African grey Corey calls for my beloved pets who are no longer here. I just don’t respond to it and as time goes by it gets less and less. Although she never forgets them. For every tear think of a silly or tender moment you shared with her. She will always be forever in your heart.
My heart goes out to you as you journey through your loss of Belle. I too had to put my little yorkie (Heidi) to sleep and as I held her close to me she closed her eyes for the final time in my arms as tears were running down my check.Their like a puzzle piece to a beautiful picture, and when one piece of the puzzle is missing the picture is incomplete.Their friendship and love leaves a paw print on our heart always to be remembered and never forgotten. I made a beautiful little scrapbook full of pictures, that bring me joy, and reminds me of what a wonderful friendship I had with little Heidi.When we become so attached with our pets the greiving process takes a bit longer because they were more than just a pet to us. I love your story, as it begins the healing journey for you. Belle is and always will be a part of you and your family, she has giving you love, joy, friendship, and enless moments of entertainment. It is the circle of life to have a begining and an end it’s what we do in between that matters, and you have a compassionet giving heart that care’s for Gods creatures. You and Belle have touched our hearts through your story let this be the beginning of your healing process. All the best to you as you as you journey through the greaving process. Thank you for sharing your heart :-)
You have my deepest sympathy. Don’t let anyone tell you that it is only a dog. AFterall, Belle was your dog and you loved her unconditonally. Now you must grieve unconditionally. It’s no one else’s business but yours. You will be in my prayers.
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