It has been an exceptionally awful week for me. My dog Belle lost her battle with cancer and Cushings Disease. We had to have her euthanized on Saturday. It had been a long time coming, but somehow even knowing what we were building up to didn’t made it any easier.
Belle was a staffy that had been with my family for nearly eight years. We don’t know her exact age because she was a rescued dog. My parents had found her in the Australian desert, walking down the middle of a highway, hundreds of kilometres from the nearest town. She had no microchip and while the police checked (no vets to ask in the remote outback!) they didn’t have any record of anyone looking for a dog in the next town. She had been dumped, or fallen off the back of someone’s truck.
She quickly adopted my father as a favourite and was never quite the same after he died. She was inseparable from my cattle dog, but was very close to all of the other animals.
Belle, Moono and myself at 'The Devil's Marbles' in the Northern Territory, Australia.
One of the symptoms of Cushings Disease is an insatiable appetite. I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to train all nine of my parrots to give her food. I was constantly telling her off for getting the birds to throw their vegetables at her. They’d wait until my back was turned and then be sneakily passing food through their cage bars to her.
She came running when they called her and answered every alarm call that they made. They were hers and she guarded them from any intruding cats or wild birds. She’d find a sunny spot and sleep in the middle of the aviaries.
Belle guarding the birds when they were out in the sun.
The last night with her was heartbreaking. She used to sleep in a dog bed on the floor of my bedroom. She woke me up in the early hours of the morning groaning in pain. My cat and cattle dog were desperately trying to wake me, in order to get me to help her. I grabbed her next dose of painkillers and gave it to her hours earlier than planned. 30 minutes later she was still lying with her head in my lap groaning, so I reached for the painkillers again.
Happier times. Moono and Belle unimpressed with their footwear. (The area had particularly dangerous thorns and the ground was scorching hot!)
I did the maths in my head and (grateful that vet science was my field of study) upped her dosage to the absolute maximum safe dose. It worked. In another 15 minutes she was asleep and her breathing had normalised. My cat and dog were looking at me and Fid (my Blue and Gold macaw) was making baby noises. He’d heard the commotion and was regurgitating at me as if feeding me would stop me crying. I found myself cleaning up a lot of bright green bird vomit in the morning. Seems someone ate too much broccoli the day before!
Fid happily ignoring Belle's personal space, while she snored on.
Nothing was going to stop me crying though. I knew that it was Belle’s last night because I knew that when I spoke to her vet in the morning and explained what dose I’d had to administer, the vet would tell me that there was nowhere else for me to go with her medication. I could be pretty sure that the inoperable tumour in her bladder was now obstructing. There were also signs of a stomach ulcer. All that was left was uncontrollable pain. There was no real choice.
I can’t stop replaying her last moments in my head. She was in my arms when the vet gave her the injection. Belle turned her head to look me right in the eyes in those last few seconds. I could see my own tear-stained face reflected back at me. She licked a tear off my cheek and then a second later was gone.
Otto (my musk lorikeet) loved to preen Belle's head. He absolutely adored her.
The house seems so empty without her. It’s a cliche, but I feel like a part of me is missing. My eclectus Pepi, won’t stop calling her. He has been whistling and screaming her name for days now. My elderly galah keeps yelling his loudest alarm call, which is completely freaking out my cattle dog Moono, (who in turn won’t leave my side). Moono won’t even let me go to the bathroom unescorted.
Meanwhile, I found my cat trying to cross the main road, when I was going to the local shops. He never goes far from the house and this was quite a walk. I think he was looking for Belle. It was a close thing – he was nearly hit by a car. I grabbed him and drove him home. I’ve locked him in and he’s taken refuge in Belle’s bed, sleeping snuggled up to her coat. He only comes out when he decides to switch to sleeping in Belle’s dog crate. The new cat meanwhile, keeps pacing the corridors meowing. Even he seems to be aware of Belle’s absence.
My cat Lola, sleeping in Belle's crate.
The weirdest time is when I try to feed the dogs. I keep accidentally getting out too many bowls. I hadn’t realised I did it, but apparently I always said each dog’s name as I put their bowl down (so they could identify which one was theirs). I did it in the same order each night. Belle was always first, so now I skip her name. My Eclectus has obviously learned this routine and has picked up on the difference. He has now started saying her name over and over in a really slow and deliberate way when he sees me start to feed the dogs. It’s as if he’s trying to correct my mistake. The exaggerated way that he says her name conveys quite clearly that he thinks I’m stupid and that I’m unable to realise that I’m doing the routine wrong.
My mother, Cocky Boy the galah, my cat Lola and Belle.
I hadn’t realised just how much of an impact her loss was going to have on the entire household. My dog has filled my bed with squeaky toys (what he does when I’m sick), which seems to be his way of cheering me up. I can’t even roll over in bed without squeaking! The lorikeets have all stepped up their squeaky noises as a result.
Belle, refusing to be left out of the photo I was trying to take with Fid.
They’re all looking for her. I wish the birds would stop calling her. I can literally still hear her bark, because they’re all doing it on repeat. I just don’t know how to get them to understand that she is not coming back and I don’t really know how to help them through it. Judging from the number of dog food bowls that I keep getting out; it’s probably going to be a while before I even fully appreciate that she’s gone myself.
Days later, Moono continues to wait patiently at the door for Belle to return. He looks up hopefully at every sound.
I can’t believe I’m saying this but I even miss her snoring. Nothing feels right and I’m not sure how long it’s going to take before it does again. The only thing that helps is knowing she’s not in pain anymore. I’m going to miss her.
Mel Vincent works as an animal rehabilitator out of Australia.
62 comments
RAINBOW BRIDGE By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill, Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still. Where the friends of man and woman do run, When their time on earth is over and done. For here, between this world and the next, Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest. On this golden land, they wait and they play, Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day. No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness, For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness. Their limbs are restored, their health renewed, Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued. They romp through the grass, without even a care, Until one day they start, and sniff at the air. All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back, Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack. For just at that instant, their eyes have met; Together again, both person and pet. So they run to each other, these friends from long past, The time of their parting is over at last. The sadness they felt while they were apart, Has turned into joy once more in each heart. They embrace with a love that will last forever, And then, side-by-side, they cross over … together.
We have just lost a dog, he was 15, we have another one who is 15 and getting there, I read yr story , i cry for u , knowing your heat hurts, Please , i can not help u with your pain and loss ,but i do know u will see them again, in Heaven, i know i will , that does not stop the pain and the heart ace, but it does give u some thing to hope for. I am so sorry for your loss of a loved baby , God Bless dear
This was a poem a friend gave me when i lost my Sandy who I was blessed to have shared my life with for 24 years. Dearest Friend………. Dearest friend, dont mourn for me I am with you, though you dont see. Keep my love within your heart And from your side I’ll never part. I’ll walk beside you every day I’ll sleep beside you when you lay Forever I’ll be your shinning light to guide you through both day and night. You taught me how to trust and love So I’ll watch over you from above Please dont be sad when you think of me My souls at rest and i am free And when your time on earth is through I’ll be at rainbow bridge awaiting you And once again together we’ll be Paw in hand for eternity I feel your loss Mel and in time you will heal xoxoxo
Mel im so very sorry for your loss , I know how u feel i had lost my budgie i had for 8years and to this day it feels like a peice of me went missing when she passed but i know she is in a better place not suffering from pain just remember all the good times u had and how she is watching down on u
Thanks Tania, I think you’re right – they take something of you with them but they give you a lot too. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.
Thanks Carrie :)
I’m crying for you now. When the pain hits you at an inconvenient moment, remember that we care and are crying for you, and praying God will send you extra angels. Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful pets with us. God bless you all!
So sorry for your loss.. I recently lost my cat Of 20yrs. And my African Grey calls her name All The time … My cousin is losing her mini Yorkie and Is also devastated about THAT TIME ! Love you have birds -dogs-and cats So did I … Was just my Grey & I then I rescued Two adorable neglected and abused puppies One had been run over by a car …not expected To live …but you wouldn’t know it anymore They’re precious and so smart…. My heart breaks for your loss !!!
O God Mel, this breaks my heart…… I can’t help crying just thinking of you all and darling Belle…. yes, one consolation is that she is free from pain and in peace. Licking the tear from your face was her way of telling you that “its ok to let me go now”. No matter how many times we lose one of our babies, the pain is unbearable. I pray that you, your family and all your loving flock come thru this in time.
Hey Ryan, I’m not fully qualified as a vet yet and I think even if I was, I’d probably always want the outside qualified opinion of another vet on any of my animals anyway! You can never have too much information! Fortunately, I’m very lucky to have access to a whole range of fantastic vets. At the end with Belle, I think most of the surgery knew her well as this had been a long time coming. Amongst other things, I’m at University in Australia studying Animal & Veterinary Biosciences with the ultimate aim of becoming a vet. It’s a really amazing course and I’m loving every second of it. Here’s the link to the post introducing me if you’re interested – http://www.birdtricks.com/blog/introducing-wildlife-rescuer-vet-student-trainer-mel-vincent/ It’s funny but the more I study and the more I learn, the more research I find myself wanting to do. Every answer brings more questions! I know vet science is one of the longer study roads there is, but even at the ‘end’ of it I think I’ll have further areas of study in mind. Thanks for taking the time to reply about my dog. I think you’re right about the favourite spots thing. I took my other dogs on their favourite walk today and I think it helped a bit.
Mel. You said in one of your comments that " They know more than we think". those words are very true. I am an insulin dependent diabetic and on more than one occasion my Amazon parrot has detected my blood sugar reading has gone to low and warn me by annoying me and nibbling my lip. I believe our pets take on our characters and are not just animals but our friends and family, to us animal lovers they are almost human. I feel sad for you for the loss of such a wonderful friend, although it hurts right now try and take comfort from the fact that Belle is now free from pain. There will always be fond memories of Belle for you I am sure. My very best wishes to you. John (UK)
So sorry for your loss. Yes, dogs, birds, cats they all become part of the family, like one of the children. And yes, they do know when one of the “children” are not there. Our Labrador went AWol one day and that night the Alsation would not stop barking by the gate. at about 10pm we decided to once again take the car and go look for Patch. Lo and behold! As we got out the property, there was our Patch coming up the road. Tired, dirty and smelly but very happy to see us. Sadly when he died, the Alsation would bark at dinner time, as if to call him to come eatJ ust remember all the good times and the good memories..
Hi Mel Alll the way from South Africa. Sorry for your lost. Lots of Attention to the remaining children(pets) was the answer for me and for them – we all think of you from: Ice – Maja – Arthur (Saints) and Tiko – Tessa – Ammadues (Blue & Golds) and last mom Alma
Well I’m so sorry for your pain. I know it all to well. I to lost a wonderful, beautiful white pom my little Sugar Bear i had for 101/2 yrs. back in march and my vet told me that she was not going to live to see her 2nd B-day. oh but she did. I to had to but her down. it was the worst thing anyone can do.then 2 months later i also lost a 4 yr. old female cat to the fatty liver disease. my heart just died a little more that day. It is not easy to lose someone you love so much. I live for all my animals. Day by day. i have pictures of all i love all over my home. there is not a day that goes by that i do not think of them. I’m deeply sorry for your pain. Cindy
I am so sorry for your loss!! We have also just recently lost our baby african grey,Tao It was horrible, he was only a year old! Its like losing a family member! The house feels So empty without him!! Just be strong! Here is another beautiful poem we received. They say memories are golden Well maybe that is true I never wanted memories I only wanted you A million times I needed you A million times I cried If love alone could have saved you You never would have died In life I loved you dearly In death I love you still In my heart you hold a place No one could ever fill If tears could build a stairway And heartache made a lane I’d walk the path to heaven And bring you back again Our family chain is broken And nothing seems the same But as god calls us one by one The chain will link again
We are so sorry. We share the loss of a beloved family member. Belle had a good life because of you, your parents and all the other beloved pets. Hold on to the good memories and one day, without even realizing it, you will smile when sharing Belle’s beauty with others. Take care!
It is wonderful to have pets, but when one is gone it is hearbreaking, always think it is the last pet and it is to painful to go throug this again – but hosu without pets is not home………..
Hi there, Tho we have never met, my heart goes out to you, and your animal family! I am a huge animal lover and understand and feel your pain! I can only say that time will be on your side. I grew up with staffies on a farm in Mpumelanga, South Africa, they are such special dogs :-)
Having recently gone through a similar experience, this brought the tears gushing back. Actually, it will be one year this August 29th. I have 7 dogs, 7 birds and a cat. I could be caring for a million furry, feathery or other friends and there will always be the special character that really tugs on your heart strings. Lykos, my lab – “My man” – was one of those. My most heartfelt condolences on your loss.
Vet science was ur field of study? Just curios are u a qualified certified avaian vet? Or what type of schooling? Vet tech? Just curious, I’m really sorry I lost my dog last year & even tried a specail diet that was guarenteed to help prevent or cure them but I learnd with products like that u really need to get their resources & make sure u know they did long term studies & approved by a good vet & good sources or its just a waste of money. But I truely hope u found piece & I’m sure ur dog has as looks like he lived his life well & long….. I remeber I used my vaca for a whole week just looking at pics & going to are fav spots to wish him a better after life, I know its hard buh u its the circle of life sadly & all we can do is remeber the great times “the only thing that stays constant is change”
Hi Mel, I really understand how you and your other pets are feeling. I have lost my lovely Buttercup Ringneck and am still grieving her death. Its 5 months now and I still can’t get her out of my mind and whenever I think of her my eyes fills up. Even my cockatiel is grieving and screams alot since my Little Buttercup went to Heaven. I console myself thinking of her flying freely in Heaven and will soon be with her again. She took with her my life, laughter and joy. I am also finding it hard as to others its ‘just a bird’ and can be replaced. May you and your pets get used to it soon.
I’m so sorry for your loss Mel, I too lost one of my babies my parakeet Birdie, to cancer, she developed a tumor in her tummy. I was with her on her last day just after i picked her up from her stay at the vets. She was eager to see me and her brothers and sister. When she arrived home in her cage she whistled happily to her companions and ate with them. when they were ready for sleep time, she passed away in her slumber. Till this day there’ s no getting over that i still miss her. You know shes in a much better place with zero pain and waiting happily to see you and her family again. My prayers are with you for strength through this time of grief. Take it one day at a time, Belle lived a grand life with you and her family, she is happy that she had you in her life. God put you in her life for the better you made her life worth living. God Bless you!
Mel, you have my deepest sympathy at your loss. My 11.5 y/o male Golden Retriever has the same kind of cancer Belle had, transitional cell carcinoma of the bladder, and I’m dreading when that day comes for him. It’s amazing how much one animal can affect everyone else in the household. When I had to have my cat put to sleep my African Gray called her name for several months afterwards. The pain will get better. It will never completely leave, but will get better.
I understand the pain you feel and hope your memories will give you some peace. It was eight years ago that I lost my great dane Molly. Molly left me after being my best friend for 10 1/2 years. She helped me through all of my problems over the years. I still tear up when I see a picture of her. She was cremated and her ashes put in a urn and she sits on my mantel.
You have my heart felt condolances. I too lost my oldest cat Houdini on July 1st this year to colon cancer. He lived 15 years 1 month which is 99 cat years approximately. All my other pets mourn with us. I have spent time trying to explain to them the he is still with us in spirit and now has the freedom to come and go to be with God and with us, Most of them have calmed down and returned to the routine of daily life, but the affection has increased and we hug and cuddle more. Our young Alpha male is the only one who continues to call for him, mostly in the evenings when all have settled for the night. I have lost other pets in the past and all are still missed, but none as much as Houdini. He was a truly intelligent, understanding, playful, loving and caring cat who cared for the whole house and helped keep the peace
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