The tip of the week is normally a post only for our Facebook page, but someone suggested I also post this one here for reference purposes….
Behavior Tip of the Week
Without a doubt, this is the most common question we get here: “my bird loves me, hates everyone else” or “my bird loves everyone but me” or “I used to be the favorite, now my bird likes someone else better”.
If you have not yet figured this out, brace yourself, this is going to sting: your bird is self-serving. He thinks HE is the most important cog in the wheel and will do whatever is necessary to promote what is in HIS best interest. He will favor whoever proves to be the most beneficial to him.
From our point of view, it appears that the affection we get from our bird is love or a show of gratitude for the great toys and yummy snacks. However, the reality is that their relationship with us is all about their survival and safety. It always comes back to their needs and we either fit into their plan or we don’t.
Before you go running for the tissues with hurt feelings, consider this: you are just as self-serving. Your bird is in your house today because it was in some way beneficial to you. Either you wanted a bird because you thought it would be a fun addition to the family, or were looking for something to nurture and love, or caring for needy birds fills your cup.
Whatever. In there somewhere is a benefit to you.
Magically, somewhere in the midst of all this selfishness, humans and birds build bonds with the strength of super glue. Just never forget we all have our bottom line – this will help you understand your bird’s behavior.
In almost all cases, a bird will have a favorite person and there is nothing wrong with that. It is NOT acceptable, though, when your bird rejects, or worse, attacks everyone else. Birds select long term mates in the wild and we have seen footage of small birds attacking a predatory bird in defense of its mate or nest. This instinct is what causes our birds to sometimes “defend their territory” when someone comes too close their chosen person, especially during breeding season.
Yet birds are also social flock animals. A flock has an unwritten agreement to protect each other. They often all play a role in teaching the young members about foraging and safety matters. Everything about a flock speaks to a bird’s feelings of safety and security.
This problem isn’t just about our feelings of rejection when we are denied a relationship by a bird. Without a flock a bird feels vulnerable. Having a bird that will not tolerate the entire family, or will not be handled by everyone, affects the emotional well-being of the bird.
Part of our job as a bird owner is to make sure that our birds have a permanent home with us and to prepare them for any unthinkable future events. What will happen to your bird if you die and your bird hates everyone else in the house? How long will you be able to keep your bird if it repeatedly attacks family members?
How to solve the problem
Remember your bird’s bottom line, that self-serving nature. If you want to earn a place in your bird’s world, you have to show him that you, too, have value from his point of view – not just the chosen person. Training is the fastest and most effective way to demonstrate what you can bring to the table.
While you are establishing your worth, ask yourself why your bird has chosen another person? What do they have or do that you don’t? Was there an event which caused the bird to back away? What is the favorite person doing right that you can utilize? And, this a hard one, is the favorite person working against you without realizing it? Sometimes the chosen person doesn’t want to risk their status as favorite and will find reasons to keep things as they are. Almost always the person doesn’t realize they are doing this.
If you are the favorite, try to back off a bit to allow a new relationship to blossom with another family member (it’s probably best if that happens one person at a time). Sometimes your presence will hold the bird back rather than make him feel more at ease.
If your bird has switched their allegiance away from you to another person, there is a reason for it and you will have to respect this decision. This happens a lot with people who travel often or are away from home for long stretches. Try to understand and sympathize with your bird’s reasons for moving on to someone who feels more reliable. The bird’s well-being has to be the main consideration and you will be doing your bird a huge service by being magnanimous in this matter.
As always, proceed slowly and let a new relationship grow naturally and comfortably – especially since you are trying to show your bird that you have value and can be trusted as a companion.
You may never be the favorite person, but your bird should respect you enough to interact politely with you at all times.
Patty Jourgensen specializes in avian health, behavior and nutrition and has been working with and caring for rescue birds since 1987.
16 comments
First of all i feel sorry for Stephanie but i also couldn’t help laughing her comment is the first one btw.. My african grey tends to follow only males around . Idk why it but its earned the reputation of sl*t. It does not want anything to do with my mom even though shes the one caring for it. Can anyone help me to understand why my parrots like this.
We just rescued a yellow nape green parrot and since we have had him (only a week and a half) – he came from a home where he was locked in a cage, in the dark, in the basement because the owner was too afraid of him, he has been fine with the 5 other people in our home but with me, as soon as I walk in the room he starts to go nuts. His eyes starts dilating, neck twitching, attacks everything around him (toys/boxes/bowls/etc), hissing at me and trying to figure out how to get to me to attack – and when I say attack, I don’t mean just bite, I mean attack. The other day I was asking my cockatoo to come up and he jumped on my arm holding onto my bicep for safety (which he broke skin and hit a vein) and then continued to move to my inner elbow and bite continuously with holding on with the last bite. My arm is torn up. I tried my best not to yell, scream or react but when he wouldn’t let go I finally had to call family to come and help me get him off because was getting lightheaded from him hitting my vein. He was not punished or anything like that (all 3 of our other birds were also adopted and went through a phase) but this one absolutely hates me. Then yesterday I was in the room interacting with everyone and then I walked out, I then heard my two little ones (sun conure & green cheek conure) fly down but one couldn’t get back up so I went in to pick him up, the new parrot started running over cages to get to me, scared the other bird to jump off hand so I bent down to pick him up again and the parrot jumped on my head attacking my ponytail trying every which way to get to my scalp (this time I didn’t say anything, except calmly asked my daughter to come in and get him off). Again no punishment, just went about my business. I am not sure what to do at this point because I am the one home with everyone, everyday, and if I can’t walk into the room without being attacked I don’t know what to do. Please I am at a loss.
My sun conjure used to like everyone in the house. I live with my boyfriend, son, niece and dad. My bird is 6 now. He hasn’t liked my son whose 14 now for many years. About a year ago he started flying at my dad and biting him. Just days before they were buddy’s. He doesn’t like my boyfriend unless I’m not around. He likes my niece but bites her at times. Not drawing blood. He has bitten and drawn blood from my son, dad, and boyfriend now. I trim his break and nails regularly and now have cut his wings so he can’t fly. He still tries to fly and attack everyone though. Now I’m afraid one of my cats or dog will get him when he lands on the floor after trying to fly. We all take turns feeding him and others try to give him treats or whatever we’re having for dinner, but he will bite them instead if grab the treat. I regularly change his cage around and have tried many other things to break this, but I’m at a loss.
My eclectus is a male when my partner les mum gose away on weekends my parrot does not live in a lone always biting and very bad behavior what does this mean
Senagal parrrot We got him at 14 weeks old he was great with us both but now at 19 weeks he won’t even sit with my partner at all… he flies and runs to me. If he is on his perch and I walk in the room he flies and runs to me! He is lovely with affection and a bit cheeky! I love his affection but I feel sad for my partner who bought him as a pet. One thing I do find difficult is getting him to play on his own, he always wants to be with me or on me lol He’s sleeping on me as I post this. I don’t want him to be solely dependent on me I’d love him to share his love around!
What if the other person they hate is a dog. They stay apart but if my bird catches a glimpse of our dog he’ll go attack. My dog is small and scared of this little bird. Wouldn’t attack but I still keep them apart.
I know that I am very late. However, I have tried for a year to train my birds. I have absolutely no clue what to do and none of this is working. These people make it look so easy but in reality, it’s not. I hate that I am taking it to heart so much, but it hurts my soul. I consider animals just as worthy as humans and it hurts to be rejected by an animal just as much a human. Some days I am determined, and I get nowhere. Some days I am considering completely giving up, bit I can’t do that to them or myself. I would really appreciate an answer.
I have a week with an Amazon Parrot Yellow Nap, he is been doing great, except that in the beginning he was getting along with my husband and now he is bitting everytime my husband wants to hold him.. I am not sure what can we do, we tried everything.. Oh yes he does not care much about treats we already went that route too
We got a quaker parrot a year ago and he would interact with me,my wife and my son. Never my daughter even thiugh my daughter would always talk to her and try to interact. Rosie the bird would always try to bite my daughter. About 3 months ago she bit me for no reasom that i could think of so i gave her a littel nudge with the back side of my hand. After i did that my wife said she remembers that and thats why it will not let me interact with her at all anymore. She goes to bite me almost every time now. She actually runs over whenever my hand is near to bite it. Same with my daughter. How can i get her to love me and my daughter as much as she loves my son and wife?
Eve, I know it’s been a long time, but did you ever get an answer. My green cheek had almost the same experience. But in my case he got nasty and never stopped bitting to draw blood after I took him to the vet the first time and they cut his toe to get a blood sample. Stick training went ok for a day or two then my husband (who he bonded with) came home from a work trip and the bird started attacking and ripping apart the stick and jumping past it to bite my hand. Did you get any reply? Hope you got your feather baby worked out and didn’t have to rehome him
I know I’m like3 years late to this article, but I have a 5 month old Rose breasted cockatoo. I’ve had him for a few months and he’s been such a great bird. Recently my dad shaved his beard, and the bird has been scared of him ever sense. Rocket used to always want to be with him, and he always wanted to be pet, and play, but now he just runs away from my dad. He has started to do the same to my mom, and my sister as well. We are not sure why he acts like this or what caused it except for the fact that my dad’s beard was shaved. Rocket is only friendly towards me.
I was my birds person until I got a new couch. He used to fly over to me and sit with me and play but he did not like the new couch…after 3 months he started to fly over again but was not letting me preen him as much. Then I got very ill. I found out later I have Lupus but during the year I was sick I worked all day and then came home and laid in bed. I would bring him in my room but I would sleep or not really inter act much. This happened when he was 7. He is now 10. I am the only person who really takes care of him but I wouldn’t say i am his favorite. He wont step up on my finger any more but he will step up on a perch. I am not allowed to touch him but he will interact with me as long as I follow the no touch rule. I have recently moved in with my parents and he is living his best life now because my mom is home and she lets him out all day. he is only caged to sleep and if we have to leave the house. It used to hurt my feelings that he no longer “loved” me. Instead he has a toy that he loves and looks at it as his “friend”. He puts his head down to it and asks for preening. My heart feels sad because that used to be me and also that toy is not going to preen him. Lol! I still love him so much and would never get rid of him even though he keeps me at a distance. He will step up on a perch for me or flock call if i leave the room so i know he considers me part of the flock…i am just not as loved as i once was but i am still loved. Animals are a commitment and i don’t believe you should just get rid of one just because they aren’t what you expected. You should try your best to adjust to their needs.
Nikki – please write your suggestions! I’d like to know, too.
Eve, we have a Senegal and I’ve had the same problem. Do you still have him? I have some advice if you do!
Just now after I wrote that message to you. I let the dogs out and he jumped from hi cage ( a quite large one, but not an aviary) at 1st he was good when he stepped-up from the floor. no bites which was a miracle. THEN, I let him on the table for a few minutes. Then step-up again to put him back on the cage front door which is a perch too and BITE!! HARD!! BITING to draw blood!! I shook my hand over the perch and that caused him to let go and I walked away. he seems to have chosen my husband as his “person.” which can’t be because I’m the caretaker. If I can’t change things, we just can’t keep him.
I’m a certified Dog trainer and have unexpectedly rescued a Senegal parrot. I started doing that clever stick with the clicker tip because this guy bites me, hard but guess what? It was working for a few times and then he decided the stick was a fun item for him to grab and hold onto! He was dropping the treats just to have fun biting onto my stick. :\ PLEASE HELP! I don’t want to have to give him up to the rescue people
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